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There was a lady that was habitual grumbler and was constantly complaining about everything. One day her preacher thought he had discovered something that she could be happy about, because her farm crop was the best one for miles around. When he met her, he said with a big smile,”You must be very happy! Everyone is saying how healthy your potatoes look this year!”
She replied grimly, “True they’re pretty good, but what am I going to do when I need some bad ones to feed the pigs?”
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Q: What kind of music did the Pilgrims like?
A: Plymouth Rock
Q: If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Q: Why can’t you take a turkey to church?
A: They use FOWL language.
Q: What’s a turkey’s favorite type of doll?
Q: Why was the Thanksgiving soup so expensive?
A: It had 24 carrots.
Q: What happened when the turkey got into a fight?
A: He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
Q: Why did the turkey sit on the tomahawk?
A: To hatchet.
Q: Why did the band hire a turkey as a drummer?
A: Because he had the drumsticks!
Q: What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it?
A: Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all.
Q: What’s the friendliest vegetable on Earth?
A: The sweet potato!
Q: Why did the Pilgrims want to sail to America in the spring?
A: Because April showers bring Mayflowers!
Q: If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for?
A: Their AGE!
Q: Why don’t turkeys fly?
A: They can’t afford plane tickets!
Q: Why do pilgrims pants keep falling down?
A: Because their belt buckles are on their hats!
Q: If a man wants to eat a turkey on Thanksgiving, what does a turkey want?
A: It simply wants to run away.
Q: Which side of the turkey has the most feathers?
A: The outside
Q: Why did the police arrest the turkey?
A: They suspected it of fowl play
Q: What happened when the turkey got into a fight?
A: He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
Q: What’s the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner?
A: The turKEY
Q: What did the turkey say before it was roasted?
A: Boy! I’m stuffed!
Q: Why do turkeys always go, “gobble, gobble”?
A: Because they never learned good table manners!
Q: What sound does a space turkey make?
A: Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!
Q: What key has legs and can’t open doors?
A: A Turkey.
Q: Why did the turkey cross the road?
A: It was the chicken’s day off!
Q: Who is not hungry at Thanksgiving?
A: The turkey because he’s already stuffed!
Q: In what country is Thanksgiving ironically not celebrated?
Q: If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one?
Q: What’s the best way to stuff a turkey?
A: Serve him lots of pizza and ice cream!
Q: What smells the best at a Thanksgiving dinner?
A: Your nose.
Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
A: Pumpkin pi.
Q: What is a pumpkin’s favorite sport?
An Elderly man living in Denver calls his son a couple of days before Thanksgiving and says, “Son, I have called to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce. After 35 years we have had enough!”
The son was shocked and replied, “Dad why are you doing this?”
The father replied, “I can’t stand your mother anymore, she is always getting on my nerves, and I never want to see her again. Now, call your sister and let her know.” Then he hung up.
The son calls his sister and tells her about the upcoming divorce. The sister replied, “There is no way we can let this happen after all these years, we have to do something.”
The son calls his father back and says, “I talked to my sister and we will be there tomorrow! Don’t do anything until we get there. Don’t sign any papers, don’t get a lawyer, don’t do anything!” Then the son hangs up the phone.
The father looks to his wife and says, “Well, it looks like the kids are going to be coming for Thanksgiving and they will be paying for their own flights!”
Joan asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Jimmy’s picture. He had drawn four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.
“The flight to Egypt,” said Jimmy.
“I see. And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus?” the teacher asked. “But who’s the fourth person?”
“Oh, that’s Pontius-the Pilot.
A teenage boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his dad, who was a pastor, if he could start using the car. His dad took him to his study and said to him, “I’ll make a deal with you. If you bring your grades up, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut and we’ll talk about it.”
A month later the boy came back and asked his dad about the car again. The dad took him to his study again and said, “Son, I am really proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you have studied your Bible some, but you didn’t get your hair cut!”
The young man waited and then replied, “You know Dad, I’ve been thinking about that. Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair!”
His dad quickly cut him off and responded, “Yes, and they WALKED everywhere they went!”
A young boy opened the big and old family Bible with amazement, and studied the old pages as he slowly turned them. As he was turning the pages something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed between the pages.
“Mom, look what I found,” the boy yelled.
“What do you have, sweetie?” his mother asked.
In total shock the young boy answered: “I think it’s Adam’s suit!”
A rare book collector ran into an old friend who told him he had just thrown away an old Bible that he found in an old box in his attic. He happened to mention that Guten-somebody-or-other had printed it.
“Not Gutenberg?” gasped the collector.
“Yes, that was it!”
“You idiot! You’ve thrown away one of the first books ever printed. A copy recently sold at auction for half a million dollars!”
“Oh, I don’t think this book would have been worth anything close to that much,” replied the man. “It was scribbled all over in the margins by some guy named Martin Luther.”
A priest, an evangelist, and a pastor were fishing in a boat in the middle of a pond. None of them had caught anything all morning.
Then the evangelist stands up and says he needs to go to the bathroom so he climbs out of the boat and walks on the water to shore. He comes back ten minutes later the same way.
Then the pastor decides he needs to go to the bathroom too, so he climbs out of the boat and walks on the water to shore. A few minutes later he comes back the same way.
The priest looks at both of them and decides that his faith is just as strong as his fishing buddies and that he can walk on water too. He stands up and excuses himself. As he steps out, he makes a big splash down into the water.
The evangelist looks at the pastor and says,”I suppose we should have told him where the rocks were.”
A man named Joe finds himself deep in debt. His business is broke and he’s in serious financial trouble. He is so desperate that he decides to ask God for help.
He kneels to pray, “God, please help me. I’ve lost my business and if I don’t get some money, I’m going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto.”
Lotto night comes he doesn’t win.
Joe prays again, “God, please let me win the lotto! I’ve lost my business, my house and I’m going to lose my car as well”.
Lotto night comes and once again Joe still doesn’t win.
Again, Joe prays, “God, why have you abandoned me?? I’ve lost my business, my house, and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don’t usually ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order.”
Suddenly there was a flash of light and Joe hears the voice of God, “Joe, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket!”
A man named John was walking beside a steep cliff one day, when he accidentally stepped too close to the edge and began to fall. As he fell he reached out and grabbed a branch, which stopped his fall for a few moments. He glanced down and was shocked to see that the canyon went straight down for over a thousand feet.
He knew he wouldn’t be able to hang on to the branch for very long, and there wasn’t a way for him to climb up the face of the cliff. So, Jack started to yell for help, hoping that maybe someone above would hear him and toss a rope or get help.
“HELP! HELP!” he called, “Is anyone up there? HELP!”
He yelled for a while, but no one responded. He was just about to give up when he heard a voice call, “Jack, Jack. Can you hear me?”
Jack quickly replied, “Yes, yes! I can hear you. I’m down here!”
The voice said, “I can see you, Jack. Are you all right?”
“Yes, but who are you, and where are you?” asked Jack anxiously.
“I am the Lord, Jack. I am everywhere.”
“The Lord? You mean, GOD?”
“God, please help me! I promise that if you’ll get me down from here, I’ll stop sinning. I’ll be a really good person. I’ll serve You for the rest of my life.”
“Easy on the promises, Jack. Let’s get you off from there; then we can talk.”
“Now, here’s what I want you to do. Listen carefully.”
“I’ll do anything, Lord. Just tell me what to do.”
“Okay. Let go of the branch.”
“I said, let go of the branch. Just trust Me. Let go.”
Then there was a long silence as Jack pondered this.
Finally Jack yelled, “HELP! HELP! IS ANYONE ELSE UP THERE?”